November 25, 2008 - The most pressing matter is the blood work I have coming up on Monday, December 1, 2008.  My last set of blood work came back with elevated levels.  Please be praying that all my levels are down now and stay down.

December 3, 2008 - I, unfortunately, have some not-so-good news.  This past Monday, December 1, 2008, I went and had my check up blood work done.  Yesterday afternoon my doctor’s office called to let me know that my levels have spiked up in the areas they focus on when looking to see if there is cancer activity going on.  As you can imagine, I was devastated to hear this news. :(  Just when I thought I was doing good and was feeling pretty good, this happens and delivers quite a blow.  HOWEVER, I still have hope.  This isn’t a cancer diagnosis…it just means my levels are up and I need to have some tests done.  SO, this Friday, December 5th, at 8am, I go in to have a CT scan and a bone scan at Presby Dallas.  Please pray that these elevated levels from my blood test are false positive results and that the cancer is not back.  Please also pray for me to lean on the Lord and know that whatever the results are, God is in control.  Whatever the plan is, I pray that I glorify Him through the process. Thank you VERY MUCH in advance for your prayers!!  They mean more to me than you’ll ever know!!!!

December 6, 2008 - Yesterday was a long day. I got to the hospital at 8am and left at 1pm. At 3:20pm, I received a phone call from my doctor telling me good news and bad news. The good news is that my bone scan came back clear...YEA!!! The bad news is that, unfortunately, my CT scan did not come back clear. :( It showed a 4cm "abnormality" on my liver (4cm is almost the length of a battery). Needless to say, I was devastated and immediately started crying.  In the past 24 hours, I have gone through the whole range of emotions (sad, scared, angry, laughing, and trusting God).  My favorite, of course, is the last one...trusting God. But I am trying to make it my first. Since I went through this exact process exactly 3 years ago this week, I know what's involved and that's good and bad. I kinda know how it works, but yet, the unknown result is still the not-so-fun part. The next step comes this next week (probably Tuesday), where I will go in for a liver biopsy. This is an outpatient procedure, however, it does entail a surgery and then going home and resting and being still and quiet. Which is also right along the lines of what I am hearing from God right now. I hear Him telling me to just be still and be silent and listen for the Holy Spirit. I have also been told to do this from 2 other Christian friends in the past 24 hours as well. To me, that just confirms what I am hearing from God and that He is telling me to be still, be silent, and listen to Him. SO, I think that's what I am gonna do. I am not going to get all excited and try to take control and try to fix my way through this. My Lord is going to work this all out in whatever way He wants and I am going to do my best to listen and obey. I do know He is working His wonderful magic already because I have a friend that told me in an email that because of the faith she sees in my that she is going to start going back to church more, starting this weekend. That's God, not me.  But, I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo glad I can be a light for Him to my friend...makes me cry happy tears. I like those kind of tears. :)  As soon as I know the exact time of my biopsy, I will do another update. Til then, please pray that I continue to do the last emotion...trust God. And please pray for my mom. She is being strong for me, but I know she is having a hard time inside. I love her sooooooooooooooooooo very much!  I couldn't do all this without her!!!!!  God Bless you all and THANK YOU for your friendship and prayers!!!

December 8, 2008 - After doing some research and reading this weekend, I have learned what's involved with a liver biopsy (there was a YouTube video). It is actually quite similar to the breast biopsy I had 3 years ago, but it is a little more risky since you are dealing with the liver, which is a MAJOR organ. I learned that the liver is the only organ in the body involved in both the circulatory (blood) system and the digestive system. So, almost EVERYTHING runs through the liver. The liver is a busy little beaver. It can even regenerate itself. If part of it gets cut off, it will regenerate that missing part. Once again, only the liver can do this. I thought that was pretty cool and also encouraging for me. :) That means if they have to cut out part of my liver to get rid of the "abnormalities" they see, then the liver will regenerate the missing area. Pretty cool, huh?!?! Notice I just said abnormalities (plural)? Well, I found out this morning, after the doctor going to do the liver biopsy looked at the CT scan images, that there are multiple lesions and, therefore, he will need to do multiple biopsies. The doctor doing the procedure is Dr. William Dittman at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas. The doctor's schedule was completely booked this morning when I called.  However, due to the serious nature of my current status, he was nice enough to rearrange his schedule to squeeze me in tomorrow morning, December 9th, to do my biopsies. So, I now have to check in at the hospital at 7am tomorrow. He is going to try to start the procedure at 9am. The procedure will take anywhere from 1-2 hours depending on how much trouble he has biopsying (I just made that word up :)) the specific areas he needs get tissue from. Since he has to poke at my liver several times, that opens up the possibility of bleeding and/or infection. Therefore, I will have to stay in the hospital for several hours after the procedure for observation to make sure my body doesn't react negatively. So, I could easily be at the hospital anywhere from 7-12 hours tomorrow and then possibly more if something goes wrong. But we are going to think positive. Please pray for (1) wisdom for the doctor and nurses who will be working on me, (2) my Mom and Gina who will be in the waiting room tomorrow, (3) no negative reactions in my body to anything, (4) no cancer diagnosis, and most importantly (5) that God's will be done throughout ALL of this. I can already see God's great work in motion. I am just very excited and humbled that He thought He could use little ol' me to accomplish His work. Just brings a BIG SMILE to my face! :) I love you all very much and thank you from the depths of my heart for all your support, love, and prayers!!!!

December 11, 2008 - Well, Tuesday was a long day...longer than last Friday. I had a bunch of weird things happen that made it quite unique and even a little comical. First off, I woke up with a migraine, so that was no fun, especially since I couldn't take any medication because of the procedure. I was not allowed to drink or eat anything after midnight. So, off to the hospital Mom and I went with my migraine. We had to be there at 7am. My good friend Gina was so sweet to meet us there so she could pray and hang out with my mom in the waiting room. Once I got to my room where I would be most of the day, the nurses came in to poke me to get blood and start an IV.  The first lady that took my blood wouldn’t smile for nothing. Gina and I were trying really hard to make her smile, but no success. Then the lady that did my IV was a practicing nurse and she just went a digging with that needle into my arm....OUCH!! Then, my period decided to start...oh, joy...all the while still dealing with my migraine. Don't ya just wanna be me here??? They decided to give me a shot of Demerol and Fiorinal to help my migraine. Boy, did that shot in my hip hurt...another OUCH!! But, it sure did work. I was able to relax and fall asleep and my headache subsided...YEA! Then the nurse came in about 45 min later and gave me another shot of Demerol for my procedure. So, I was waaaaaay relaxed and quite loopy by the time I went downstairs. The only thing I remember after getting downstairs was that my doctor would have results for me by this Friday afternoon (December 12th) and the cold anesthesia going through my arm. Beyond that, I don't remember anything til I woke up back in my room, which was only 45 minutes later. The doc only had to do 1 biopsy after all…YEA!! However, the biopsy was right in the middle of my belly since the lesion on was the left lobe of my liver. So, I have a little “bullet hole” now right in the middle of my stomach….it’s so cute.  I finally got to go home Tuesday evening about 6:30pm. I would have gone home earlier, but my blood pressure was low and we had a hard time getting it to come up. It finally came up after they gave me some sugar in a Ginger Ale and cranberry juice…go figure! After all the strange happenings Tuesday, I am actually doing pretty good today….just a little sore and wanting tomorrow to come so I can find out my results. I will send out an email to everyone when I get word, as well as copy that email onto my website. So, be looking for something late afternoon.  Once again, thank you for all your prayers and love!  The phone calls and emails the past week have been great and have truly lifted me up. God has surrounded me with some wonderful people and prayer warriors…THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!

December 12, 2008 - Everyone say Halleluiah!!  The Lord has stumped the doctors!!!!!  I LOVE IT!!!  I just got off the phone with my doctor’s office and she said the pathologist is stumped.  The pathologist was actually working on my specimens this morning when my doctor’s office called her.  The pathologist was baffled and scratching her head because she can’t understand why there are no cancer cells with all the other factors that have happened up to this point (high blood level counts and the 4cm spot on my liver that wasn’t there before).  They are trying to tell me that it’s “non-diagnostic”, as opposed to benign, because they don’t know what to think.  BUT, I am going with that it is GOD!!! J  With all the prayers that so many people have been lifting up this past week, I am believing that God just loved hearing from all of us and answered all our prayers and made this not be cancer…YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YIPPEEE!!!!!  Let’s do the HAPPY DANCE!!! My doctor’s office is being skeptical, so I have to go see my doctor Monday morning and “talk” about things and do blood work again.  But for now, I am counting it ALL joy and PRAISING THE LORD for answered prayer!!!!!!  You will be seeing a GIANT smile on my face this weekend as I sing to the Lord during our choir performance. I want you all to know that I have seen God at work in many areas this past week.  I can clearly see that this wasn’t about me…it was about His work being done. I am so honored and humbled that He chose me to do some of His work through me.  It brings such joy to my heart that I was able to be used by Him. J  As we say in my Sunday school class a lot…”God is good all the time.  All the time, God is good!!!!”  Please keep praying though.  The specific prayer now is that my blood levels will be back down to normal on Monday, which will REALLY stump the doctors…hehe!!  And then we will be praising the LORD once again. Have a GREAT weekend and be sure to thank God for all the blessings in your life!

December 20, 2008 – Can we say “roller coaster?”  OMGosh!  The past 8 days have been a whirlwind for me. Just when I think I have good news and can move on, things change….and drastically. The results of the biopsy that took place on December 9th came back “inconclusive and non-diagnostic.”  I took that to mean “no cancer” and was celebrating and praising the Lord all weekend. Well, my oncologist was/is convinced something is going on in my body regardless of that conclusion. So, after a visit with her on Monday, Dec 15th, I decided to get a second opinion of my CT scan results. I went to see Dr. Beercherl, who is a liver specialist at Presby Dallas, on Thursday, Dec 18th. We chatted for a few moments upon my arrival, where I gave him some surgical history on me (I have had 3 major abdominal surgeries in my life). He then concluded that the other doctor biopsied the wrong area where there was old scar tissue from previous surgeries, which explains why the results came back the way they did (just makes me wanna call the other guy an idiot since he had my surgical history in my file, but didn’t look at it…ARGH!!!). I told Dr. Beecherl that I would like to see what he was talking about. SO, off to his office and computer we went. He was able to show me 2 areas in question on the images. One was a 4cm spot, which is what was biopsied on Dec. 9th, and then another spot that was 2cm. The 4cm spot was exactly where one of my other surgeries had taken place. The 2cm spot was on the left lobe of the liver and it did not look good. We brought up on the screen my last CT scan images from March 2008 and confirmed that the 2cm spot was NOT there before. This new spot is dark, almost black, and Dr. Beercherl said that he was 95% sure it was metastatic, meaning cancerous. :( With some hope in my voice, I asked him how often he was wrong (haha) and he said, “Not very often.” He went on to tell me has seen MANY scan images in his career where spots he saw like mine ended up being cancerous and he said this is definitely one of those spots. BUT, to be absolutely sure, he wants to do another biopsy (is your heart just sunk now like my was when him and I talked about this???). I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. A wealth of emotions ran through me at that time, and are still running through me today. I was able to gather myself together somewhat and continue our conversation. He could tell I was quite bummed and upset. He asked when I would like to do this biopsy. I told him I was leaving for Australia on Tuesday, December 23rd for 2 weeks.  His response was, “You NEED this trip. Go on your trip and I will see you when you get back.” Of course, I was able to read between the lines that he meant I needed to go have some fun before my life started going down a path of cancer treatments again. I knew this because he had mentioned chemo treatments earlier in our conversation. SO, here’s what’s gonna happen…I am going to go to Australia for 2 weeks and enjoy Christmas and New Years with my friend Peter and have a GREAT time in the Great Barrier Reef, the wine country, climbing the bridge in Sydney, and worshiping the Lord at the famous Hillsong Church outside Sydney on Sunday, January 4th. Then on Monday, January 12th, I am going to have a laparoscopic biopsy on the 2cm mark. The laparoscopic part includes inserting a camera into my stomach area and finding the 2cm area on my liver. This allows the doctor to find the spot “live” and then insert the needle exactly where it needs to go to pull out tissue to be tested. This is a day procedure and includes an incision (like I need another scar on my stomach). So, I will be in the hospital almost all day (5:30am-3pm). An afterthought hit me after I left the doctor’s office. So, I called and left a message for the nurse to ask the doctor if he could just go ahead and remove the entire spot, as opposed to just the biopsy. I hope to receive a call from Dr. Beecherl or his nurse tomorrow (Monday, December 22nd) letting me know the thoughts on that. As you can probably guess, I am a little bit of a wreck right now. I am up and down and up and down, like a roller coaster. I have my moments when I am focusing on the Lord and know He is in control. Then I have my moments when I am crying and hate the thought of having to go through torture treatments AGAIN. Then I take a deep breath and I am back to focusing on the good about God and how He sent His 1 and only son to die for my sins. And that He loves me just as I am and made me exactly how I am and will always be there for me and will take care of me. Those thoughts are what make me smile, so I am trying to stay on those… easier said than done, but I am trying. Please help me to stay focused on the good and not go wandering off on the bad. Also, please pray for safe travels for me and for me to find some peace about all this that God is allowing to happen in my life. I know there is a purpose and reason for it and I want to fulfill that.

December 22, 2008 - Just talked with the doctor's office today about my blood levels. The CEA level is the main one they focus on for breast cancer patients. My CEA level has gone from 4.8 (October 22) to 7.1 (December 1) to 14.3 (December 18).  It basically doubled in 2.5 weeks. Needless to say this is not good. :( BUT, on the flip side of things, it does go along with Dr. Beecherl's 95% chance that the cancer is in the liver. I would be TOTALLY baffled if my numbers came back low and/or normal now knowing about the spot on my liver.  That would have me more confused. So, I am kinda glad everything seems to be coinciding with each other.

January 9, 2009 - Just got off the phone with Dr. Juturi's office (my Oncologist).  There's good news and bad news.  Good news is there is no activity anywhere else in the body other than the liver…YEA!!!!  Bad news is there are 2 significant areas on the liver…1 on the right lobe and 1 on the left lobe.  One spot is 3.3cm and the other spot is 2cm.  I haven't talked to Dr. Beechrl yet since he is in surgery this morning (he is my liver specialist/surgeon), but I am going to guess here that since there are 2 significant size spots, then he will just do a biopsy on Monday and not an ablation.  The biopsy is technically the only way to "officially" determine if the cells are malignant/cancerous.

Ok, so here's the schedule now:
Monday, January 12th - Biopsy at 5:30am at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas
Thursday, January 15th - Get biopsy results/pathology report
Monday, January 19th - doctor appt with Dr. Juturi to determine plan of attack/treatment

In the meantime, I will be reading a lot and doing lots of research on liver cancer treatments.  If you want to do research too, you will need to look up "secondary liver cancer."  Since I have had breast cancer, cancer any place else will be considered secondary cancer.  Please know if you decide to do your own research, many of the websites I have looked at so far are not very optimistic for a cure.  They mainly talk about "controlling" the cancer.

Here are 2 sites for reference:
1. This site explains what a PET scan does/is for http://www.petscaninfo.com/zportal/portals/pat/cancer
2. This site is one of many sites that explains secondary liver cancer http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Cancertype/Liversecondary/General/Theliver

I sit here with mixed emotions.  I am excited that there is no activity any place else in my body.  However, I am not having a very good feeling about the outcome of the treatments for secondary liver cancer.  I know in my heart that it’s all about God’s plan and not mine AND that He is in control.  Yes, I’m somewhat scared.  But I am trying really hard to not let it take over me.  Just need to keep my focus on the Lord and lean on Him and stay positive.  I found a scripture that seems very appropriate...Psalm 73:26 - My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.

January 25, 2009  - Well, the last 2 weeks were definitely not what I thought my life would have been.  I went in on Monday morning, January 12th, for a simple biopsy, and ended up with a liver ablation. What was supposed to be only a 1 hr procedure turned into 2.5 hrs and a LOT of pain when I woke up. My doctor did do 3 biopsies on me...2 of the 3 were malignant/cancer. However, instead of doing another surgery, he went ahead and did an ablation on 1 of the 2 cancerous spots/tumors. He was unable to ablate the other tumor due to it being so close to my bile duct area, which is very different for me than most due to all the other operations I have had in my life. So, I am ONE less cancer tumor...YEA!!  That's the good part. :)  Bad part was that I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days for some healing, and then came home for more healing. I ended up missing work all week. I was doing really good, but then in the middle of the night Saturday night, I woke up in a pool of sweat, fever, and MAJOR pain. I went to the ER Sunday morning to discover that I had a serious infection where they did the ablation. I was admitted to the hospital and was there through Wednesday afternoon. The doctors were unsure at first what was wrong, so we were exploring different things, one of which was surgery. Therefore, I was not allowed to eat or drink if surgery was a possibility. They gave me some pain medicine that the nurse said was 10 times as strong as morphine and then also some VERY intense antibiotics. Needless to say, I was out of it for a couple of days, which was probably good because it also hurt to talk because it hurt so much to breathe from making my diaphragm move...not fun! :( My fever finally broke Tuesday afternoon. I was able to eat for the first time Tuesday evening. Wednesday was the first day I felt somewhat coherent.  I am now home and doing MUCH better.  It has been a VERY LONG 2 weeks.  I am very weak and trying to build my strength up. I still have some pain, but NO WHERE NEAR what it was. God has been my strength and my hope through all of this. I keep looking towards Him to provide and, of course, He does. My Mom was able to take off work and come live with me for several days and I am soooooooooooooooooooo grateful for that. I love her sooooooooooooooooo much beyond what any words can express. She has been there for me and with me through all this, even at 3am in the morning when she drove from her house to my house (35 min away) to take me to the ER.

A BIG HUGE thanks from me to sooooooooooooooooooooo many of you who have emailed, called, text messaged, brought me food, visited, and, most importantly, prayed. Your love and care are definitely felt and VERY much appreciated beyond any words of gratitude.

Next steps in everything are yet to be decided. We, my doctors and I, have just been focusing on getting me past this major hurdle and well first and then we'll figure out the rest. As soon as I have more information to share, I will do another update. Til then, please keep praying for healing for my body and also for that other tumor to just disappear, as well as strength and focus on the Lord. He is my Provider.

February 6, 2009 - I’m alive!  Big "Thanks" to Rachel and Carrie for being my email communicators when I couldn’t!  I am finally feeling good and almost back to normal.  It’s been a rough 3½ weeks, and a little scary too.  But God is good and He has brought me through yet another hurdle in my life. Now, it’s onto the next hurdle, which is chemo. I went to see my doctor Wednesday, February 4th, and discussed many things, mainly treatment. The outcome of that conversation is that I will start chemo next Friday, February 13th.  Yes, Friday the 13th, but I am not superstitious. However, it is kinda funny. :) The chemo drug I will be receiving, Navelbine, is known for NOT making people feel nauseous…YEA! I am sure you can imagine how ELATED I was to hear that! The biggest thing we will have to watch with me with this chemo is blood counts. It is known to bring blood counts down and thus make me susceptible to infections, as well as make me weak. But there are what they call “booster” drugs to help with that if my counts get too low. So, no worries there. Fatigue is also a side effect, which is no biggie…I am used to that. :) But, other than these, she said I should be able to have a pretty normal life…YEA!!!! I need some normalcy somehow. Oh, and the most important one she said was no hair loss. :):):)

Before I start chemo, I have to get what they call “baselines”. I already got my blood tumor markers. My CEA is 21.7, which is up from 14 in December. The other baselines are another CT scan, PET scan, and an echocardiogram. Plus, I will have a chemo port put back in, which requires a minor day surgery. So, I am quite busy over the next week getting scans and will be having my minor surgery on Wednesday, Feb 11th, at 8:30am at Presbyterian Hospital Dallas. It’s just a day surgery and will go home probably around 1pm. Chemo will be every Friday for 3 weeks and then I get a week off...woohoo! Then I will repeat this schedule. So, basically, 3 weeks on and 1 week off. Each 4 weeks is considered 1 cycle. After every 2 cycles (8 weeks), I will have my scans redone to see how the cancer is responding. In addition to these repeated scans, I will also have blood tests done each week to see where my blood counts are, as well as where my tumor marker blood levels are. So, we will hopefully be able to tell fairly soon the effectiveness of the chemo. If for some reason I don’t respond to Navelbine, we will change the chemo drug after the first 2 cycles and do a new drug for 2 more cycles. As of today, we have not determined an end date to chemo treatments. :( It all depends on how I respond. One thing we DID decide is that we will NOT be doing another surgery unless we absolutely have to since I had such a hard time last month and since the main tumor (yes, I have more than 1) is right where my intestines hook up to my liver, which is VERY different from everyone else. This is due to a birth defect I had that resulted in me having to have surgery at 2 months old.

God is the business of performing miracles. He has done many with me already. Between the surgery I had at 2 months old that I supposedly wasn’t suppose to survive (5% survival my Mom tells me, NOT 15% as I stated in one of my emails), to the 2 major surgeries I had at 21 years old to adjust/fix some issues from my baby surgery, to surviving breast cancer, God has already worked sooooooooooooooooooooo many wonderful miracles in my life. Not to mention all the little things He has done in my life too. He obviously wants me around for a reason. I just hope I am glorifying Him and carrying out the plan He has for my life. The wonderful cards and emails of encouragement I have received that have stated I have encouraged them just amazes me and makes me cry. I am constantly amazed at how He uses little ol’ me and I don’t even know it. My focus is just to focus on Him believing and knowing He will heal me and be right by my side every step of the way, just as He promises in His Word, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I can’t thank you all enough for your support and prayers. They mean MORE to me than you will ever know. I love you all VERY much!!

February 25, 2009 - It's Wednesday night and I am at home resting. I have had chemo treatments that last 2 Fridays. The first weekend wasn't too bad. Friday night I was spacey and kinda out of it. But, Saturday I was pretty normal. Then Sunday, I got up and went to church and sang in the choir loft. It was GREAT!! I love singing to the Lord.:) But, then 2pm rolled around Sunday and I just about died (figure of speech, not literally). I knew I was going to be a little tired because I had received steroids right before my chemo to help offset some of the side effects and the steroids only last 48 hours. But I didn't think it would hit me so hard. Then Sunday evening came and so did the bone pain. The bone pain was like having the flu...not fun! By Monday, the bone pain had subsided and I was just moving in slow motion (Cindy in slow motion is like an oxymoron, huh?!? :)). But, by Tuesday morning I was back to my normal, fast talking, Cindy self. I thought "this is doable", meaning I can handle these side effects to chemo. They aren't too bad. Then Friday, Feb 20th, rolled around and it was time for another chemo. By Friday night, I was down and out with pain right in the middle of my stomach which felt like the chemo was attacking the liver. I guess that's good, but it sure did hurt. Saturday was again good. I went to my niece's 3rd birthday party and then to a movie with my good friend Kristel. All was good...so good that I woke up Sunday morning and went and played soccer...our first game of the Spring season. I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to run and kick the ball and it not hurt. It was soooooooooooooo cool and fun, until a girl on the other team tripped me and I went skidding across the hard ground and stiff brown grass. Needless to say, my lower left leg and knees are all scraped up. But, I didn't care cuz I loved being out on the field again running and playing my all-time favorite sport. Plus, the weather was soooooooooooo great (about 62) and the sun was shining. I was totally soaking up the sun and enjoying being outside. Brought such a smile to my heart and some peace too. I needed that, especially after the report I had received on Friday. I was given the report from my PET scan and CT scan that took place the week before I started chemo. After reading through all the medical lingo in the report, the translation is that the tumor that sits where my intestines hook up to my liver has grown to almost 5cm. AND in the 2 weeks between the scan I had the day I was admitted to the hospital (Jan 18) and the this scan (Feb 11), 2 more tumors on my liver have popped up...1 at 3.3cm and 1 at 2cm. So, now I have a total of 3 tumors on my liver...not good.:( This means this cancer is progressive (a term used in the report). So, please pray that the chemo is being super effective and killing those cancer cells.

As you can probably imagine, I am emotionally up and down. I officially have metastatic breast cancer (cancer that has spread from the breast to another organ). The more I read about this diagnosis, the more I realize how serious this is. Up til this point, I had hoped that I could be cured. I still have that hope through the Lord, but I also have a sense of reality now. According to not only medical websites, but also metastatic breast cancer support group websites, metastatic breast cancer is incurable. Treatments can prolong a person's life, but they more than likely won't rid the body of the cancer. (Pause and take a big gulp...I had to when I realized this). Yes, this is not good news. Yes, this sounds like a death sentence. But, the other side to this is that God is a big ol' God and He can make ANYTHING happen. He can make these tumors go away. He can make my pain go away. He can make all the cancer in my entire body go away. He is the one who will decide how long my life on earth will be. Like I mentioned in one of  my previous updates, I have defied all odds up to this point in my life. So who's to say I can't keep doing that. I have defeated so many odds in my entire life from the day I was born. I am not about to give in nor give up now. One of my favorite college professors called me "tenacious". So, tenacious I will be. I am going to live my life to the fullest every day and make the most of it. Hopefully along the way, I will glorify the Lord and be a light for Him. I can't do this without Him holding my hand and giving me the strength to fight. He is my Rock, my Strength, my EVERYTHING!! He gives me the strength to endure anything, even the intense bone pain I had this past Sunday evening that lasted til Tuesday morning.

March 6, 2009 - The last couple weeks have been rough. The chemo has caused me stomach pain that has been intense at times. It has progressively intensified the more chemo I receive. Like I mentioned above, the first week wasn't too bad. I had pain that first Friday night, but then it was pretty much subsided by Saturday, And no pain Tuesday-Thursday. Then the pain came back after chemo again the next Friday. This time it didn't leave me all week long. I called the doctor and told her what was happening. She told me to take a laxative and hydrocodone for the pain. Well, that helped some, but not alot. I had constant pain all week with intense pains flaring up here and there. It was miserable, especially because it was hurting to eat. Meaning, when I ate, within 15-30 minutes I had serious pain trying to process food. I got to the point where I was only eating soup, drinking liquids, and maybe eating some soft food, like mashed potatoes and yogurt. The next round of chemo was on Friday, February 27th, and after chemo, the pain was the most intense it had ever been. The pain actually started in the chemo lab, which was good so the nurse and doctor could see what was happening with me. The doctor was puzzled and wasn't sure what to think (seems to be a pattern with me). Between the chemo and the drugs they gave me to help with my pain, I was out of it. My mom was with me that day and I told her there was no way I could drive all the way home (45 min away). So, I followed her to her house, which was only 15 minutes away, but it seemed like forever. I made it to her house, but running to the bathroom to be sick. Not fun! I crawled from the bathroom to her bed. My nephew, who is 19 and lives with my mom, came and laid down with me. He kept me company and watched TV with me and made me laugh. He was soooooooooooooo sweet to just hang out with me on a Friday night. It was a sweet, special time with him that I treasured and wouldn't have traded anything for. Thank you God for arranging that special time together! Mom was busy being nurse. She ran to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions filled and also to the grocery store to get some foods I could eat (soup, ice cream, juice). I am soooooooooooooo glad she lives nearby in the same city. She has truly been my caregiver in every sense of the word and I am forever grateful to her for her love and support and care. She is amazing!!! I ended up spending the night at my mom's in her bed. Now, how cool is that that she let me take over her bed while she slept on the couch at 63 years old. Now, that's love! :)

The pain persisted and stayed with me the next several days. The longer the pain was with me, the weaker I got due to not eating and not getting nutrition. Wednesday came and I was not doing too good. I did go to work, however after lunch, I went to the bathroom in pain and ended up on the floor. I was in so much pain and had become so weak, I couldn't get up and was having a hard time breathing. Thankfully, my co-worker Jennifer came in the bathroom and found me. She ended up taking me home, while my other co-worker, Cissie, followed us driving my car so I would have it at home. I am so very thankful for these sweet ladies taking care of me. Cissie even noticed my car was low on gas and filled up my gas tank. How sweet is that?!?! Thank you Cissie!! I hit my wits end with this pain, so Thursday morning first thing I called my doctor. She wanted me to do a CT scan and then come see her. Seeing that I was in so much pain and couldn't drive, I called my friend Lori to see if she could take me to the doctor. She picked me up around 11am and off we went. They squeezed me in for a CT scan. I have had so many of these lately, the scan technicians recognized me and said "hey Cindy...how are you?" That's not good when the CT scan people know you by first name. :(  However, 1 of them, Sheila, was so sweet. She knows I am battling breast cancer and invited me to join her team to do the Komen 3-Day walk in Dallas in November. She said she would be "honored" to have me on her team. I am seriously thinking about doing it.

After the CT scan, we walked over to see my doctor. Doc said the CT scan didn't show anything that might be causing the pain. So, with that, we decided to admit me to the hospital to find out what is going on and do some more tests, but more importantly, hook me up to some fluids for nutrition. Unfortunately, the hospital was full...go figure. So, I had to go to the ER and get checked in there until they could find a room for me upstairs. That was a fiasco in itself getting checked in at the ER. But, I finally got to a room in the ER and Jeff, the ER nurse I had before in January, came in and recognized me too (you know you spend too much time at a hospital when the staff knows you by face and name). Needless to say, Jeff took great care of me, even got me some mashed potatoes. Actually, his co-workers personally ran over to the cafeteria and got me 3 mounds of mashed potatoes...made me laugh, which I needed. Lori stayed with me all day until my mom and Ron showed up. Thank you Lori for taking such great care of me and staying with me all day! I love you sister! I finally made it to a room in the hospital around 8:00pm, which was a great room. I ended up in the Jackson building on the oncology floor. The only patients on this floor are cancer patients. There was only 6 of us patients and it was soooooooooo quiet and the nurses were sooooooooo attentive. It was GREAT, as far as hospital stays could go. :)

March 15, 2009 - Well, my hospital stay was interesting. Friday morning, Dr. Melo from Dr. Loeb's office came to see me again (I saw him when I was in the hospital in January when I had an infection). Dr. Melo very much listened to me and what I had been dealing with as far as my abdominal pain was concerned. We concluded that an endoscopy (where they put a camera down my throat) needed to be done on me to see if something was going on in my stomach or upper intestines. Well, since it was about 9:30am at this time and it was Friday, they had to find a time to squeeze me in. So, 3pm was the soonest they could get me in. I had already been on no food or drink since midnight. This just meant no more food or drink til after the procedure. Part of me was okay with that since every time I ate pain would happen. IV fluids was just fine with me. An endoscopy requires anesthesia. SO, once again, I got to undergo anesthesia, which usually causes my intestines to kinda go to sleep and not function correctly, just like narcotics do too (i.e. vicodin, hydrocodone, morphine, etc.). Needless to say, I was not excited about the anesthesia part since I was also getting morphine at the time. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the endoscopy showed nothing but a very tiny ulcer...not big enough to cause the intense pain I was having. This was good news and bad news. Good news nothing major was there (like cancer in the stomach or something else)...bad news because we still don't know what is causing the pain. :( So, Saturday we tried a drug and a prescription strength laxative called Miralax, but to no avail with that combination. Sunday, we decided to keep me off the narcotics as much as possible and continue with Miralax. Then a fever came along about noon-ish. We were able to get that to go away with Tylenol, thank GOD!! Pain was still persisting, but at least my bowels were moving and working, which seems to be the culprit of my pain. Monday morning came and Dr. Juturi (my oncologist) came to see me. She explained to me that one of the side effects of the chemo drug I was taking is nerve damage to the intestinal tract. To better explain this, there are nerves that give signals to your intestinal tract to contract and release in sync with each other to move matter through the intestines. Well, the nerve damage she was explaining to me was that my intestines were getting out of sync and, therefore, not processing food through the intestines, therefore causing major constipation and pain. Ahhhahh! The light bulb has come on and this makes sense to me. I was sooooooo happy to hear something I could understand and that made some kind of sense of my pain. To help get the intestines back in sync, my doctor gave me a prescription called Bentyl. I am to take this when the pain gets strong to get my intestines to relax to release the pain. Since this combination of Miralax and Bentyl seemed to be working, I came home from the hospital Monday afternoon. Tuesday I worked from home and actually felt pretty good. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning were GREAT! I felt like I was back to somewhat normal...YEA!! I enjoyed it while I could. I even got to go to one of my church team meetings where it was great to see everyone. They were all happy to see me too and were all so supportive and caring. Mike even made me cry by telling me that he sees me walking out my faith and trust in the Lord through this journey I am on. That is the best compliment anyone can give me because all my strength comes from the Lord. I cant do this without Him. 

Friday afternoon was time for a doctor visit and chemo again. This time I had my girlfriend Carrie from Tulsa with me. I was sooooooooooo happy to have Carrie come down to visit me. She is so very special to me and I don't get to see her very often. Plus, I have talked with Carrie a lot about my cancer over the phone, so it was nice to have her with me in person to see my doctor and listen to what was said. Carrie asked some great questions to my doctor which led to some answers that made a lot of sense to both of us. SO, I am VERY glad Carrie was with me. After we visited with the doctor, it was off to the chemo lab. Unfortunately, within about 20 minutes of receiving my dose reduced chemo, my severe pain was back. :( I was soooooooooo bummed! I was hoping that since we had things under control and that my pain had been almost completely gone for 3 days and that I was responding to the chemo that I could continue with the Navelbine. One little side note I forgot to mention before...something good did come out of the CT scan I had on Thursday. The scan showed that the tumors in my liver are shrinking...YEA!!! PRAISE GOD!!!! So, that's why I really wanted to continue with this chemo drug. At least I knew it was doing some good and killing the cancer cells, even though it was causing me all this pain. But, it looks like we will be changing drugs. Since my pain came on so fast and with intensity, my nurse said "no more Navelbine for you." So, it looks like I will be changing drugs for my next treatment, which will be Friday, March 20th, which also means I start all over with learning what side effects I will be dealing with.

Even though Friday night was not fun and I was in pain, Saturday morning was a special time. I attended a breast cancer survivor brunch with my mom and Carrie. It was a sweet, special time, as it was my Mom's birthday and it was also a time to recognize and celebrate caregivers of the survivors. My mom has been my #1 caregiver and Carrie has been wonderful support to me from afar. SO, I was very happy to have both of them there with me for this special time. Afterward, Carrie and I were able to go shopping a little (our favorite thing to do when we get together) and then come home and chill. It was good to have Carrie around. We got to have some good chats and she took care of me, fixing me meals and do some household things too(dishes, laundry, playing with my dog, etc.). I am sooooooooo grateful for Carrie and her servant heart. She is a natural at wanting to help others, which is one of the things I admire and adore about her. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with such a wonderful friend!!! I was sad to see her leave today. I liked having her around and having someone to talk to and just be with me and help me. It was VERY nice!! I wish we lived closer.

March 19, 2009 - Just when you get it down, they change it on ya. My chemo schedule and drug has changed as of this past Monday. Due the to severity of the abdominal pain I was having from Navelbine, we have decided to change my chemo drug to Xeloda, which is administered differently. Xeloda is in pill form, which means I no longer have to go into the chemo lab every Friday...YEA! I will only have to go once every 3 weeks to get another drug called Herceptin and to have a doctor visit to see how I am doing. I am really excited about that!  And I am excited that I don't have to start Xeloda until next Monday, March 23rd, which means I FINALLY get a weekend off..YEA!! The last time I was supposed to have a weekend off, I ended up in the hospital, which is NOT my idea of a weekend off. I am going to so totally enjoy not feeling icky this weekend AND I am going to get outside and enjoy the nice weather for the official beginning of Spring. :) Then Monday morning, I will start taking Xeloda for 2 weeks and then I take a week off. So, it's kinda like starting all over as far as learning what side effects I will have. I did take Xeloda 3 years ago for treatment then, but I was also taking another drug with it. So, I am not sure how I will respond to just Xeloda by itself. It will be be interesting to see what happens. HOPEFULLY, there will be NO abdominal pain. I am soooooooooooooooooooo through with that!!

I have to share a funny story about going to the CVS to pick up my Xeloda prescription last night. I stopped by CVS on my home from choir practice (yes, I made it to choir practice last night...YEA!!! It was sooooooooooooooooooooo good to see everyone and to sing...I was VERY happy when I left!!!). The guy working the counter at CVS couldn't seem to find my prescription. So, this lady walked up and starting looking in other bins to help out. She finally found it. The prescription was in the name of SIMPLE instead of SEMPLE. The guy looked at the paperwork with big eyes and mentioned that it didn't go through on insurance and showed me the amount that it would cost without insurance. Are you sitting down??? It was $2020.85. I just about screamed!! I looked at him and said, "I don't think so!!" We both laughed and then I told him to try running it through insurance again under the correct name of SEMPLE. It took awhile, but all went through and came back as $100. That's still kinda high, but waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than $2020.85. Can you imagine paying $2020.85 for a prescription?? That's ridiculous and sad. I can't imagine going through cancer without health insurance.  Thank you Lord for providing insurance for me!!!!

Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooo much for all your prayers!!!!  I hope you have a blessed weekend! There is plenty to do between the nice weather and March Madness college basketball. :)

April 13, 2009 – So, I first have to apologize for not writing sooner...sorry! It’s not like I have been in the hospital cuz I haven’t. I started my new chemo drug on Monday, March 23rd, and life has been GREAT! I took it easy for the first couple days because I didn’t know what to expect. On Thursday, I called my nurse, though, and told her I felt like I was waiting for a bomb to go off any minute. I was feeling so good and normal, but yet I was on chemo…that’s like an oxymoron. I kept thinking some bad side effect was coming soon, but it didn’t...PTL! So, by Thursday night, I was embracing this newly found normalcy on this new drug and I was off and running. I was sooooooooooo excited to be feeling so good after feeling so bad the past couple months that I was making plans with friends to do all sorts of things. I went to a friend’s house to have a US Men's Soccer watching party on Saturday night, went to church Sunday morning and sang (YEA!!!), went to play soccer Sunday afternoon and played almost the entire game (75 minutes), went out to dinner Monday night, had bible study Tuesday night, choir practice Wednesday night, then, yes, I petered out Thursday night. :( Suddenly it all caught up with me  and I got tired...can't imagine why...hehe! :) But, I was right back up Friday night playing softball...that was fun!!! We lost, but we had a good time. I had brunch and went walking with the girls Saturday afternoon and then went to the Dallas Stars game with Shelley Saturday night. It was the Stars last home game of the season. They won, but it didn’t really matter much since they were so far out of the playoffs. But, it was a fun game, as it went into OT and they won 5-4. The best part, however, came after the game when a guy walked up to me and said he learned I had cancer. Well, he too had cancer several years ago. So, we chatted for a few minutes and then he invited us to join him at a retirement party. Well, the retirement party was for one of the NHL officials who had just done the Stars game...cool, huh?!! So, Shelley and I got to meet several NHL officials and hang out, including the one who invited me (his name is Tim). We had such a GREAT time. It was a very memorable evening. :) Then Sunday morning came and I had a migraine...no bueno. :(  So, in bed I stayed, all day actually. I definitely rested, slept, and watched sports all day. I think I needed it.

Let’s go back to Friday morning, April 3rd, now. I called my nurse to let her know of a couple of what I thought were minor side effects I was having. One was a couple of tongue sores and the other one was numbness in the hands. Now, the way I discovered the numbness was when I was waiting for the water to get hot from the sink that morning. I was holding my hands palms up under the water and kept waiting and waiting for the water to get hot. Then I turned my hands over and quickly jerked them hands back cuz it was soooooooooooo hot. I then turned my hands back over and couldn’t feel anything. I stood there like a little kid playing in the water...hands up, hands down, hands up, hands down (Are you picturing this??  It was funny). I started laughing. :) I was telling this story to my nurse and she was saying, "Cindy, that's not funny." That made me laugh even more. :) What am I gonna do...freak out or something. What good does that do me...NONE! I have chosen to laugh my way through this cancer journey. I have made sooooooooooo much peace with myself about my life in the past couple months that I am sooooooooooo okay with everything. I know where I am going when I die. I know eternity is a MUCH better place than here on Earth. I know I will get to be with my Lord and God in a place of no pain and suffering. But, I am also okay with staying alive in this body to spend time with my friends and family. I would miss sooooooooooooooooooooooo many people if I were to pass on. The Lord has blessed me with some wonderful, beautiful, loving people in my life. I am extremely humble and honored to have so many people care about me. I think about it a lot and it often times brings tears of joy to my face. My life is so full and I have been blessed to do so much and see so much, I am completely content with where I have been and who I am, especially who I am in Him. Life is goooooooooooooood, even with cancer!!!!!!!!!!

SO, back to my nurse....she told me to immediately stop taking the Xeloda. The numbness was a result of too much medicine. SO, I actually got 9 1/2 days off from chemo...woohoo!! Last week was my week off and I enjoyed it and was busy. Dinner Monday night with Kristel, NCAA final game later Monday night at Rob's house with friends, bible study Tuesday night, choir practice Wednesday night, sunday school class shepherd team meeting Thursday night, Good Friday church service and dinner with friends Friday night, walking Saturday day, church Saturday night, and I topped it all off with the best....singing in all 3 services Easter Sunday morning. The songs were amazing and every time I sang them, it felt like the first time. They were so moving. Easter to me is more important than Christmas. Easter is what my faith is all about!!  I think it is sooooooooooooo cool that God arranged for my chemo schedule to be so that I was off my meds last week so I could be strong enough to sing on Easter. I am so extremely gratefuly, beyond words, for God organizing that. If I hadn't changed drugs, I would not have been able to sing all the services, if any. God apparently wanted me singing in that loft and I was GLAD to be there representing and honoring Him.  OH WHAT JOY I HAD AND HAVE, OH LORD!!!

It's now Monday, April 13, 2009, and I started my 2 weeks of Xeloda again. Hopefully, these next 2 weeks will be as nice as the last 3 weeks. I feel so normal and I am able to enjoy my life, which is what I really need and want. Please pray this good feeling stays and no new side effect, but that also the new drug is working. I go for blood tests this Friday, April 17th, to see what my tumor marker blood levels are. Then, I go Monday, May 4th, for a CT Scan to see if my tumors are still shrinking. But, before then, please pray my dentist visit tomorrow morning goes good and that I don't get an infection from all the work Dr. Terrel needs to do to fix my BROKEN tooth. :(  Thank you again for all your prayers! I feel them and honestly believe God is honoring them by letting me have a normal life while being on chemo....YEA!!!!!!!

May 15, 2009 - Today is Friday and boy what a month it has been since I last journaled here. I have been out enjoying my life very much!! On the same night as my last entry, I was contacted by and reconnected with a man I met last Fall. His name is Dan. We hadn't spoken in several months, so we spent 2.5 hours catching up & laughing. My stomach hurt for several days from laughing so hard and so much. It was actually very therapeutic for me. :) We have since spent much time together getting to know each and enjoying each other. I am soooooooo very thankful for God arranging things to bring Dan back into my life. Dan is a true man of God and I love that we pray together, something that is oh so very important and precious to me. I have really enjoyed my time with him and look forward to spending more time together. :)

So, on to health news. On April 17, 2009, I had my blood work again where they check the tumor marker levels. The main test we look at is called the CEA. The normal level of a CEA is 2.5 or lower. Well, drum roll please...on April 21st I was told mine is 2.0...YEA!! WOOHOO!!! PRAIASE GOD!!!!!!!!!! I asked my nurse 3 times to read that number to me because I couldn't believe it was that low this soon in my treatments. I was in total shock and so elated that I started to cry. The tears of joy were flowing! When I called my mom she thought it was bad news cuz I was crying. But, I told her "No. No. No. These are DEFINITE happy tears!" And we cried together. Same thing happened when I called & told Dan. We were all crying tears of joy and celebrating the wonderful work God has done so quickly! Dan took time that day out of his busy schedule of meetings with people he brought in from Germany to have lunch with me and celebrate the awesome news! THANKS DAN!! I was so excited all day long that I couldn't sit at my desk for any length of time. I had to get up and walk around and share the good news. Then we celebrated some more at my bible study that night. We were all praising God and so happy...THANK YOU LORD!!!

The next test was the CT Scan, which took place on Monday, May 4th. I have to admit I was a little nervous/anxious about this test. I so wanted all the tumors to be gone since my CEA level was 2.0. My good friend Lori decided to go to my test with me. On the way there, Dan called and he surprised me by telling me he was on his way too. With all he has going on at work, once again, he took the time out of his busy day to be with me. He is so caring and so sweet...made me cry. He has really embraced my cancer and doesn't seem afraid of it. I am so very thankful for that!! Once again, thank you Lord for bringing this precious, sweet, caring, Godly man into my life! :)

Now, are you ready for some good news again?? Drumroll please....I am now down from 3 tumors to 1....YEA!! And the 1 that is there is down from 3.3cm to 2.85cm (I have the official report in front me as I type). Once again, I am in amazement and in shock and praising the Lord!!  God is gooooooooooooooooooooooooood!! I am truly blessed! God has given me so many blessings lately that I have absolutely nothing to ask for from Him. I am so humbled and thankful and appreciative and happy beyond any words that I can type or say. I sit here smiling right now and am just reveling in the joy and peace that I get from knowing and trusting God. It is a peace that definitely surpasses any understanding I could ever fathom. :)

Once again, and always, I thank so many of you for your prayers and support and love and care. This journey would be lonesome without you. Please continue to pray away my last tumor. I have 3 more cycles of chemo to get through with an end in sight. My target goal to quit chemo is now Friday, July 17, 2009. So, celebration time it will be. :)  We will then do blood tests and another CT Scan to see where I am. My hope and prayer at that point is that ALL tumors will be gone and I can get off chemo.:)

July 20, 2009 - It has been 2 months since I wrote here...please forgive me for not writing sooner. I sit here in amazement at how much has happened in my life in such a short period of time...both good and bad. :(  First of all, the wonderful man I thought God had brought me turned out not to be so wonderful. He broke up with me on June 11th and it has been a whirlwind of up and down emotions since that time, which is what has kept me from writing. One day I would wanna write one thing, and the next day things would change. Then things would be good (so I thought), then things would get weird again and not be what I thought...very stressful and confusing. :( I have, at some points, worried about how the stress was affecting my cancer battle.  WELL, apparently God knows my heart and that I love Him very much, regardless of all that's happened, even though I was feeling quite lost. He also apparently has a plan for me on Earth because today I got the results of my CEA blood test I took last Friday. Now, remember, back at the end of April, the level came back at 2.0, which is .5 points lower than the desired 2.5.  I thought that was a huge blessing. WELL, here is an even HUGER (if that's a word) blessing....my level is now 1.8...WOOOHOOOOOO!!! I am jumping for joy and praising God for His faithfulness to me when I was losing faith in myself. I have had a REALLY rough time with dealing with Dan, the extreme heat, depression (a side effect from chemo that was intensified by the Dan situation), and not exercising. One thing has lead to another, not to mention tiredness and fatigue, and I have not been in a good place. BUT, I have talked to God every day, not always knowing what's going on and often times, quite confused. However, I constantly was telling God "I trust You and I love You". I know all things happen for a reason for His purpose & plan and I was trying very hard to trust in that.

I am sharing some dark stuff here, which is not easy.  But, I share in hope that people will understand that there are dark times that we go through, but God allows them so we will grow closer to and more dependent on Him. He wants our heart and sometimes when trials come (and they WILL come), they are just for that reason...to get us to trust, believe, and LOVE him with all we have. I was trying to give all I had to the relationship with Dan because I felt like I was given another opportunity at life to fully express myself and not hold back like I had done before. Cancer has a way of making you wake up and appreciate life and the people in your life. You have a desire to spend more time with them, show them how much you love them, and tell them how important they really are to you. When my doctor changed my chemo drug back at the end of March, I felt like I had been given a new lease on life to be able to express all these feelings to the important people in my life. SO, I did just that with Dan and I have no regrets. I honestly believed and hoped things with Dan were long term and real. Unfortunately, that is not the case. But I have no regrets for the excitement and love I showed him. I also have been blessed by some wonderful friends who have gotten me through this difficult time in my life. They have loved on me and made sure I was busy and had things to do. They even put up with me when I was in a bad mood (yes, I get in a bad mood sometimes) and still loved me. I am eternally grateful for the friends God has blessed me with in the past year. Some of them I haven't known very long, but I feel like I have known them for a loooooooooooooooooong time based on their unconditional love for me. I am overwhelmed by that...something I have not experienced before. God is teaching me a new kind of love and it's wonderful!!

Now, back to my cancer status. I took my last chemo pills last week on Tuesday, July 14th. My doctor let me quit early because I was having major body aches and symptoms that indicated that my body was just done with taking chemo and couldn't take anymore. Even though I was feeling so icky, getting to quit chemo early was a nice surprise and such a blessing...one I didn't expect...THANK YOU GOD!! I was running on some good adrenaline for a couple days, which actually helped me feel better. Each day that has gone by since the 14th has been a new day of strength and a new day of getting out of this fog I am in. I am now looking forward to this Thursday, July 23rd, to my CT Scan. I have full confidence that the scan is going to coincide with the blood test and that all my tumors will be ALL GONE!!!!!!!  God has blessed me so much...I can feel His presence in my life in unexplainable and unbelievable ways. He talks to me through people and loves me through people and they don't even realize it! :) But, I do and that's what is sooooooooooooooooooooooo cool! :)

Please pray for a CLEAR CT Scan this Thursday, July 23rd. I am soooooooooo ready to move on from feeling icky and share with the world what a wonderful, awesome, loving, heavenly Father we have. His grace and mercy and love are all beyond anything any one of us could ever imagine to give.

THANK YOU to so many for your continued support, prayers, and love! Your words of encouragement are so uplifting and come at just the perfect times. I can't thank you enough!!!!

July 27, 2009- Everybody say..."GOD is gooooooooooood!!!" I am happy, actually ecstatic, to report that my CT Scan came back VERY good. :) The official word I was given is "there is nothing big enough to measure. There is lots of scar tissue, but no new lesions and nothing big enough to measure". To me, that means the 2.5cm tumor that was there in May is now gone...YEA!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOO! YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!! This news is soooooooooo cool! I am  excited, however, it hasn't quite sunk in completely yet since I am still feeling the side effects of the chemo. I know it will sink it even more this week since this week would have been my next "on" time of chemo. Once some time goes by and I start feeling better, I know the reality will be much more real to me. But, don't get me wrong, I AM ecstatic about the news and I am giving God all the glory and praise for the miracle He has done in my body. Only God can do the work that has been done in me, especially considering the doctors were so grimm in January. I just love it when God proves the doctors wrong...brings such a smile to my face and such joy to my heart. And also makes me feel that I am one special child of God :) I am so undeserving of His love and His favor and don't understand why He continues to choose to heal me. Even though I didn't know who He was until 10 years ago, I feel He has been watching over me and taking care of me since I was born. I have survived more than just cancer...I have survived multiple major surgeries (first one at 2 months old) where the doctors have said almost every time that I probably wouldn't survive. BLOWS MY MIND to think about it sometimes!!!

All praise goes to God. I also want to take the time to thank soooooooooooo many of you who have prayed for my healing. There are many I know that have prayed, and also so many I don't know that have prayed. I have received emails from people I don't even know saying they are praying. And people I don't know have even walked up to me to tell they are praying for me. But, they know me and they know God and they have given it up to Him. What an amazing display of love!!! And only that kind of love can come from knowing the Lord.

I ask that you please continue to pray for my healing. I am still feeling the side effects of the chemo, which will be around for many months. I also still deal with the side effects of all the surgeries I have had (lymphedema, fatigue, etc.), which can be difficult at times and also quite emotional. My life and my body have been altered forever. But the other thing that has been altered forever is my heart. I never thought such a trying experience would change my heart so much. I have learned a whole new dependency and a whole new love...that is the love of God. What the bible says about how much He loves His children, I have felt. It's a daily choice to believe God's love for all believers. But it's a whole lot easier to believe in it when you have experienced it. :)

I go to see my doctor next Monday, August 3rd, to discuss my future as far as treatment and visits and follow up tests. So, I will have another update next week. Til then, God bless you all!!!!

August 7, 2009 - On Monday, August 3rd, I went to see my oncologist. Since I had stopped chemo on July 14th and had a blood test and a CT Scan, we needed to chat about the results and my future. Yes, I was done with chemo, but what did that really mean. Well, the good thing, as I posted before, is that my CEA (that's that blood test I have done regularly) is down to 1.8...YEA!! And my CT Scan results indicate there is no more tumor, based on the report that says "no new tumors and nothing big enough to measure"...once again...YEA!!! And PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU LORD!! However, what does that all really mean as far as "Am I done? What kind of follow up do I need to do? What kind of maintenance drugs do I need to be on?" Just a bunch of "where do I stand?" questions. Well, here's the scoop. Since my cancer cells were HER2NEW positive (that's a protein that feeds my cancer cells), I will continue to take Herceptin. Herceptin is a HER2NEW blocker and is administered via an IV. So, that means I have to keep my port. For now, I will take Herceptin for 9 weeks until October 9th. In those 9 weeks, every 3 weeks I will go to have my CEA level checked and to receive Herceptin. The Herceptin is a 90 minute drip via an IV. SO, that means I have to sit in a chair in the chemo lab to receive that. I didn't like that thought at first, but I am okay with it now. I have this feeling God wants me to minister to some people in the chemo lab, or at least be a light for them, and I am TOTALLY okay with that. Anything I can do for our GREAT, loving Father, I am willing. My mom went with me today to the chemo lab. We had fun! She had found a box of pictures in 1 of her closets at her house. These pictures were of me between the ages of 14 and 21. Together we looked through those pictures today while I was hooked up to my IV and we laughed and giggled. It was so much fun to go down memory lane of my life and laugh and remember the special people God has blessed my life with. I have to admit, I recognized a bunch of faces, but I couldn't remember a lot of names. That too made us laugh. :) Then my mom was trying to take a picture of me in my chemo chair so everyone would have an idea of what I endure, but she was having phone technical difficulties, which, again, was making us laugh and giggle so more. It was funny and fun! Thanks, Mom, for going with me today! That meant a LOT to me and I am glad we had that time together! I LOVE YOU!!!!

One thing that made today good too was the new chemo lab I now go to. My doctor changed practices last month. So, she is now with a different group as of July 15, 2009. And, I have to admit, I REALLY like this new place. The people are sooooooooooo friendly and nice and the nurses truly get involved in your life and talk with you. As my mom and I were going through pictures, I was sharing them with my nurse and she was loving it. One of the other patients even got involved with us too and we were all laughing. It was GREAT! It was good to see people smiling and laughing at and with my mom and I. It was like we were their entertainment, and that's okay. Anything I can do to cheer up a cancer patient, I AM THERE!!!

Ok...back to Monday and my doctor visit. My doctor reminded me of something I wasn't prepared to hear again. She reminded me that I was treatable, but no curable. Can we say OUCH!!! I know she had told me that a long time ago (way back in January), but I wasn't prepared to hear that again. SO, it took me by surprise and also a little off guard. With all the good progress I was making, I had so much hope that my cancer would be GONE. I hadn't thought a lot about the fact that I was officially a metastatic breast cancer patient. Once a person becomes a "metastatic" patient, then it's not about a cure anymore. It's about treating whatever comes about. I DONT LIKE THAT!!!! And all day long I had a hard time with that. But, my wonderful friends quickly reminded me that God is in charge and that HE (God) decides whether or not I am curable. What a blessing all my friends' wonderful comments were to me. My friend Pete, who I have known for over 20 years, sent me the sweetest message on Facebook giving me encouragement that God is in control and telling me all these sweet, wonderful things that I am to others...made me cry and also made me feel oh soooooooo very special (makes me cry again right now as I write this). God is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo good to send sweet angels and friends to His children at exactly the perfect moments when we need them. They become messengers for Him and I just LOVE THAT!!! THANK YOU GOD!! Your love does indeed endure FOREVER and You truly are there in our ever present time of need, which are words from one of my favorite songs I sing at church, right Gina?!?! :)

Each day that has gone by since July 14th, I have gained some energy and the bad taste in my mouth is slowly subsiding. Unfortunately, chemo stays in the system for anywhere up to 3 yrs. So, it ain't going away anytime soon. But, I know and feel good days are here and coming. One day at a time is all I can do and hope and pray that I NEVER have to take any more chemo!!! Please pray that prayer with me and also believe that God is our Jehovah Rafah, our healer, not the doctors.

I am oh sooooooooooooooo VERY thankful to soooooooooooo many for all the prayers and words of encouragement. You have NO IDEA how much they mean to me and how much they lift me up. I truly mean it when I say, I can't thank you enough for all that so many of you do. Even just the words "I prayed for you today" or "I did this thing and thought of you today." Please keep sharing those thoughts, not only with me, but with the ones you care about and love. We all need and like to hear things like that!!!!